It’s like I can’t speak, some forces sew my lips shut, and every time I open them I’m bleeding. I look around to them, to everyone, and no one’s there; the distance between inches is too great we cannot see each other.

Mouth frozen, eyes observing and I’m not sure what I’m waiting, looking for. All I know is I haven’t seen it/found it/been able to communicate with it. And I am empty, a bottomless vessel that for all my inspiration and intellect cannot fill.

Is eveyone faking it, or do they not feel it? Are they whole and I am inadequate or we taking it in stride with these chasms in our spirit? Because I’m tired of not feeling – I want something to live for. I want someone I can believe in, a place where I can find rest, silence to return, and stop fearing human minds.

Is my state lucidity, depression, or a comatose state? I haven’t a clue.

Time is perceived as all important and short, meditation is the nullification of its importance. Denying time’s influence over us despite the fact that it ultimately does. It gives us a sense of calm and control, even if its false.

Praying forces you to prioritize important things in your life and shows yourself what you should be doing. Performs a similar effect as a mantra. Doing this takes the power out of your hands, and by leaving the resolving of a life problem in someone else’s more able hands so it also brings calm. A sense that it will be alright.

The effects, the calm, of both are what brings about change – not divine intervention. Elated control is what brings about change and action.

What is there to gain once innocence is lost? Once one breeches the socially accepted and eliminates the rules of conduct for sexuality, morals, and kindness? There is nothing. A cyclic process between right and wrong; good and evil; order ad chaos; Sun and Moon; material and nonphysical; everything and nothing. To Gain everything you must have nothing. To gain nothing in the ultimate goal of capturing the world and its five senses. Only then will you be able to have everything again.

Recentlly I've been word processing all my notebooks, which is a lot. Thoughts on alchemy from my gold notebook. I do not nesscary believe in this, but I like debating systems if for nothing else but writing referance. It may not make sense to you.

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